the vulnerability loop

A wonderful bit from The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle, our current read:

"People tend to think of  vulnerability in a touchy-feely way, but that's not what's happening,"Polzer says. "It's about sending a really clear signal that you have weaknesses, that you could use help. And if that behavior becomes a model for others, then you can set the insecurities aside and get to work, start to trust each other and help each other. If you never have that vulnerable moment, on the other hand, then people will try to cover up their weaknesses, and every little microtask becomes a place where insecurities manifest themselves."

Polzer points out that vulnerability is less about the sender than the receiver. "The second person is the key," he says. "Do they pick it up and reveal their own weaknesses, or do they cover up and pretend they don't have any? It makes a huge difference in the outcome." Polzer has become skilled at spotting the moment when the signal travels through the group. "You can actually see the people relax and connect and start to trust. The group picks up the idea and says, 'Okay, this is the mode we're going to be in,' and it starts behaving along those lines, according to the norms that it's okay to admit weakness and help each other."

The interaction he describes can be called a vulnerability loop. A shared exchange of openness, it's the most basic building block of cooperation and trust. Vulnerability loops seem swift and spontaneous from a distance, but when you look closely, they all follow the same discrete steps:

1) Person A sends a signal of vulnerability.

2) Person B detects this signal.

3) Person B responds by signaling their own vulnerability.

4) Person A detects this signal.

5) A norm is established; closeness and trust increase.